When I Can't Answer Her Questions
If you ask Brielle where she’s from, she’ll excitedly shout…
“Wuhan!”
When you ask her where Wuhan is, she’ll even more excitedly shout…
“China!”
She even loves to tell people her Chinese name.
I love this about her. I love that she loves China and knows that’s where she was born. I know it’s healthy for her to learn tidbits about her past naturally as she grows so that there isn’t a shocking adoption reveal in her lifetime.
I also know that hard questions are coming. Questions with no answers at all that will open her eyes to the reality of adoption and her puzzled past.
“Mommy, who were my foster parents? Where’s my foster brother?”
“Mommy, where’s my China mommy?”
“Mommy, why couldn’t my birth parents keep me?”
These are hard, gut-wrenching questions that I can't answer.
I would do anything to keep her from having to ask these questions but my reality, and her reality, is that adoption doesn’t come without brokenness
She’s blazing her way toward age five and kindergarten. It’s happening in the blink of an eye and I can’t do anything to slow it down. I can’t keep her little and naïve forever.
I know that the questions are coming. All I tangibly have to offer her is a stack of photos that show a glimpse of a woman’s arm and a referral document that only creates head scratching and more questions.
I can swarm the inbox of every China contact we have, call all the government agencies, and beg her orphanage for more answers. We can board a plane together to visit Wuhan and drive to her finding spot to see if anyone remembers anything from that day. I can run her DNA in multiple systems.
(Trust me. I will absolutely do all of these things if she wants to.)
If adoption has taught me anything, it's this.
I know that she’s going to need a Savior to cover it all. We can do everything that we physically can to connect the puzzle pieces of her past but she’s also going to have to trust Jesus with it.
Nothing makes me take a hard look in the mirror quite like the brokenness of adoption.
Do I trust God when I don’t have answers? Do I trust Him to cover my daughter’s feelings about her adoption and all the brokenness and unknowns?
Do I accept that God has adopted me?
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15
Adoption really has a way of bringing the gospel full circle.
Nothing makes me deal with my own personal issues more than when I begin to fear or worry about how Brielle will deal with the realities of her earthly adoption. It forces me to see the cracks and brokenness in my own story. Then, it brings me back to the truth.
God doesn’t want me to fear or worry about the hard questions that are coming. He's already covered it all and He will carry our family through it.
God has given us confidence, a confidence that He will redeem and restore every hard question and unknown.
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
As the questions come, and they will, my prayer is that I can walk with her through every thought and feeling all while pointing her to Jesus.
I may not be able to answer Brielle's questions, and I can’t bring her peace and redemption from her unfair past, BUT I sure know a Savior who can.
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