I'm No Hero. I'm Just Called.
I’m no hero. I’m just called.
In September, the first hiccup with our adoption paperwork happened. The hiccups would eventually turn into obstacles that have ultimately delayed us from finalizing our son’s adoption.
I have begged and pleaded with God to make it right over the past several months. I did everything right, but it still didn’t stop the surprising delays.
I’ve watched my children pray every single night for our adoption paperwork to move quickly. That prayer has never been answered. Even as we find ourselves with every single piece of adoption and immigration document completed on our end, the standstill and bad luck continue. We still move forward but at a snail's pace.
The prayers of my children are not being answered how we want them to be. How badly I want God to show up as the hero I know He is. I want to show off to the world and declare, “Look what my God did!”
I want that scenario, but God doesn’t seem to be offering that scenario as the mountain remains unmoved in front of me.
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3 (NIV)
My dad sent me this verse while my fears raged when we were in China to adopt Brielle. This verse echoes in my mind often these days.
How can I fight for that same peace in THIS situation?
I feel a tension in being authentic that this time really stinks while also declaring that God is in control. Sometimes, it’s overwhelming. I would rather just throw up my hands, pull the covers over my head, and just wait for God to do whatever it is He wants to do.
He is sovereign, isn’t He?
But then, I feel his tender mercy through a card or text from a friend that I am covered in prayer. I feel held when an organization like Bloom Family Designs shows up and decorates the boys' room. I feel purpose in being gifted time to pour into the people right in front of me as I wait. It is actually a means of survival for me.
When Jesus went to the cross, it wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.
I know that I don’t know all of the details from God's perspective. I have no idea why my son will spend more time in foster care because of miscommunications and seemingly bad luck. However, I truly believe that God has a Kingdom purpose for it all. No, I don’t always feel it, but I trust Him.
I can choose to become cynical, or I can choose to allow God to refine me even if I never understand why this side of heaven.
My relationship with God is raw and real in this valley because I am completely surrendered to Him. I made a choice this week to put on my armor and walk through the coming months wrapped in His truth and grace.
Last Sunday, I stood in church and could hardly mouth the words during worship. Mostly because I didn’t want to bawl my eyes out. As the worship team sang, I just kept thinking, "I trust you. I trust you. I trust you."
Isn’t that really all God wants from me? A raw and real surrender.
I said "yes" to adoption. I said "yes" to our son. And now, God has to work on the details. I did all of the paperwork correctly, and it still wasn’t good enough. God's call on my life cannot always be carried out without His divine intervention.
In my heartbreak and tears, as I wait for my son, I am being refined. My relationship with God is more real than it's ever been. I cannot allow my feelings to dictate my actions, and I have to surrender it all at my Savior's feet.
So many people say that they couldn’t do what I am doing. Well, spoiler alert! I can’t do it by myself either. It is by the absolute grace of God that I am a functioning human being right now.
For maybe the first time in my life, I need Him to carry me. I am totally dependent on Him. I cannot fight this battle alone.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood…" Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)
Someday, I’ll share the mountaintop moment as I hold my new son while we play in the yard and the sun is shining. It will be an Insta perfect moment!
But, I won’t forget who got me to that mountaintop.
Truly, I am no hero. I am just called.